38 kilos life in mode. Read online book "38 kg

Anastasia Kovrigina

38 kg. Living on 0 Calorie Mode

I clearly remember that day: I stepped on the scales, and two beautiful numbers 3 and 8 appeared in front of me.

38 kilograms.

Now, as I close my eyes and immerse myself in memories, I imagine my recent life as a train rushing at breakneck speed.

The train rushes on without stopping, leaving behind the meaningless days of my life, leaving no opportunity to see and appreciate the expanses of the happy window world, leaving no chance to see the good workers of these happy fields. I am destined to be in a closed space, surrounded by crushing partitions of a small compartment and in the company of silent permanent fellow travelers - Diet, Thinness and Calories, who never remove their masks of indifference. There is no way I can get out of here, and the fear of getting fat will endlessly fetter me, blocking the path to the exit to an ordinary and beautiful life. Gradually, I understand: it is possible that my train is moving into the abyss, and I begin to look around, hoping to find the stopcock handle ...

1. First thoughts

It all started with the fact that all my weight loss, or rather, thoughts about it, arose when I first went to university. Until the moment my legs crossed the threshold of the auditorium on the 4th floor, I did not feel fat or plump, I thought that I looked absolutely normal. I have never before thought about losing a few pounds and getting my figure back to normal. Everything suited me.

On wadded legs, I went to a higher educational institution, where I had to spend five unforgettable years. I did not know what awaited me and how relations with classmates would develop. Throughout my life, it was hard for me to make new acquaintances, adapting to new conditions and surroundings was painful, so the first day at the university, where several thousand unfamiliar faces rushed past, drove me crazy. I was literally shaking with fear. When I went up to the fourth floor and entered the audience, decorated with welcome posters and balloons, I felt sick. There were one hundred and twenty people in front of me who felt quite confident, and somewhere in this crowd my future group should have been. After the enthralling introductory speech of the dean, a friendly herd of first-year students moved to the solemn part. Dozens of heads fussily looked around, afraid to miss the right turn and the door through which to enter. The university seemed to be a huge, vast building - a maze of intricate passages, corridors and doors. At last I have matured my brethren. Six guys and ... twenty-seven girls.

"Wonderful! That's exactly what I dreamed about the whole last school year, so that there would be more women, ”discontented thoughts flashed through my head.

With an evaluative glance, I studied each newly minted student. There was nothing unusual about them: simple, nice guys and girls. And only eight girls stood out against the general background - thin slender legs, perfectly chiseled waist, protruding collarbones, slightly protruding cheekbones. They were so fragile and delicate that I wanted to hide somewhere far away so as not to accidentally be near one of them.

The introductory school day ended imperceptibly quickly. Returning home, I thought about the upcoming changes in my life. It was cool for me to feel like a student, although I understood that I could fully consider myself as such only after the first session, but that was another moment, in the distant future.

Returning to my humble dwelling, I looked at myself in the mirror and felt disgusted. It reflected a small creature with hamster cheeks, a chubby belly protruding from under a T-shirt, tight-fitting thighs, round shoulders and a double chin. The spectacle was fantastically terrifying ... For about fifteen minutes, questions shot out in the back of my brain: “Why am I so fat?”, “How could you not notice this horror, the horror that thousands of people see every day?”, “Why didn’t you take any actions?”, “Do you like being like that?”.

I couldn’t give myself adequate answers, because I had never even thought about diet, weight loss and calories before. Such a burning topic, which drove hundreds of thousands of girls crazy and a slightly smaller number of men, was far from me. In addition, I did not even imagine how to do it correctly, and most importantly - I did not have such a need and desire! Therefore, looking at myself once more in the mirror, I calmed down with the thoughts that I was not destined to be thin and that I needed to love myself for who I am (after all, I’m not the only one, and millions of people are far from the standards perfect body). Positively tuned in, I confidently walked into the kitchen, put fried potatoes, took a piece of bread with melted cheese, filled a glass with orange juice and, placing all these dishes on a tray, went to watch TV and enjoy a hearty lunch at the same time. I was happy.

Back then, my life depended entirely on food. I couldn't go a day without a slice of pizza, some muffin, candy or grilled meat. I constantly needed tasty, unhealthy food. I was like a food addict.

The first week of school went off without a hitch. They told us about the principles of studying at the university, tried to accustom us to the library, distributed them into creative groups that were supposed to organize all kinds of student events and which, by the end of the first semester, consisted of a maximum of two people. We were told how good it is to be a student and to do community work.

There was a lot of free time, so every day I had the opportunity to meet with friends and enjoy walks, accompanied by eating chocolates, chips and other tasty muck. Consuming thousands of calories a day, I did not think about the consequences. Just eat and eat. It's so cool to eat and get high from food!

These days were the last when food gave me pleasure, and did not cause fear ...

Autumn with its beautiful yellow-orange landscapes became brighter every day. It was warm outside, but a cool breeze was already blowing on my face when my best friend returned - a short, thin brunette with a wonderful sense of humor. Our communication was surprisingly strange. We have known each other since we were seven years old, but we only began to communicate well in the last three years. Passion for photography was the key that opened the door to an incredibly strong friendship.

Despite all my plumpness, I really loved to be photographed, in the pictures I did not even notice any extra pounds, double chins and incredible hips. It is now the smallest fold or a hint of it that instantly forces me to send a photo to an electronic link ... to the "Basket".

The day the thought of losing weight re-entered my head was the second Sunday in September. The weather was warm outside, the leaves were already turning yellow, and it was a sin to miss the opportunity to capture yourself against the backdrop of autumn beauty. Taking the camera, we went into the forest. Yu. and I (for confidentiality we will call her that) lived outside the city, and we had at our disposal such natural scenery as the Yenisei River, a pine forest and wheat fields.

I don’t know what guided me when, choosing clothes for shooting, I took out short shorts, dresses, tight jeans, a fitted jacket and knitted T-shirts from the closet. I guess I thought it was the most suitable clothes for my figure.

- You're not fat! – justification insistently spun in my head.

Self-hypnosis is not always helpful. It shields you from reality, and then it turns out that not everything is as simple as you thought. Later I realized it.

After the so-called photo session, sitting on a bench in front of the house, I shared with Yu my thoughts about losing weight.

“I decided to lose some weight.

- Why is that? - she was very surprised.

“Thanks to the university,” I replied angrily and looked away. - In our group, there are only skinny, tall and thin. They weigh ten kilograms less than me for sure! It feels like they were specially selected to get on my nerves. I feel disgusting.

"Shit, you're fine." Don't think.

- But still, it would not hurt me to lose five kilograms.

- How many? - the girl was so surprised, as if I had called the number twenty or thirty.

“Five,” I repeated.

- Are you crazy? Only skin and bones remain!

“Of course, skin and bones with a weight of 45 and a height of 154 centimeters. There are no such miracles, ”I thought, but answered differently:

“Nothing will happen, I’ll just lose some weight.

- I'm against! You already look good.” She gave me a friendly hug.

I couldn't believe her. She should not deceive me, she always says what is really there.

When we returned home, we transferred the photos to the computer - they turned out to be incomparable.

I liked everything: my appearance, figure. All. But that “all” quickly passed when I posted new photos on a social network, and a skinny girl I didn’t know left a comment: “Lose weight, baby. Ha-ha-ha-ha."

This was the first time anyone had spoken openly about my fatness.

There were tears. It was embarrassing to realize the truth.

I did not have a girlfriend who would have experienced weight loss and helped with advice. I didn't want to load Y. with such nonsense, so, not knowing who to talk to, I went to my mother. She tried to calm me down, gave me advice about proper nutrition, but my injured self-consciousness remained deaf to my mother's arguments, I did not want to listen to anything. I didn't want anything anymore. I felt like a vile fat larva who only knows what to eat and eats, eats and eats!

From the moment I realized my fatness, I lost the desire to go not only to the university, but also to go out in general. I wanted to get rid of all the accumulated fat as soon as possible, but I did not know how! As a result, for about a week, I continued to have bouts of self-hatred, incessant reproaches and self-blame. But the most surprising thing was that I did not make any attempts to reset overweight. It didn't even cross my mind to use the Internet to search for the dreaded word "diet" that Google returns 35,900,000 links to find the right diet to make my life easier. All I did was whine about my fat deposits.

The grief that overwhelmed me seven days ago, I ate chocolate, sweets and cookies. Meanwhile, my snotty whining only intensified, and I pestered my parents with endless fat complaints for another five days. Finally, my mother could not stand it, took the situation into her own hands and chose a diet for me.

“Here, look what I found. Just stop beating yourself up for being so cute,” she smiled.

- Mother! She's so sweet? Reworked, right? I chuckled.

- You are the sweetest for me, which is why only from tomorrow you will start your dietary frenzy.

- Fine. I hope it will work.

For breakfast: tea and chocolates. For lunch: vegetable soup with a slice of bread, and for dinner: rice with fish and stewed vegetables.

Simply gorgeous, right? The body receives the right amount of nutrients and 1200 calories, so necessary for normal life. And everything was supposed to be just wonderful, and it was ... the first two months.

2. That hateful soup

I am 16. My height is 154 cm. My weight is 50 kg.

Today is September 20th and I am on my first diet ever. Quite acceptable, which was chosen by my mother. She always helps and supports me. She should put up a monument for putting up with all my antics.

From now on, the goal is 45 kg. Five kilograms is not that much.

A week on apples, buckwheat or a "skinny diet" - and the hated kilograms are gone. Then I still didn’t know anything about it, I was unenlightened, and my whole weight loss plan was completely based on my own inventions and conjectures.

Slimming self-taught.

This is now the level of my dietary education has reached the limit. I know how many calories are in 100 grams of boiled turkey, one piece of chocolate or a bun. Now I know how much to eat in order not to get better, and at what time of the day it is desirable to eat in order to lose weight. Wake me up in the middle of the night, and I will report how many kilometers you need to walk to reset the standard set at McDuck, and that 7000 calories eaten are guaranteed to give you a one kilogram weight gain.

Diets. calories. Thinness. They became my best friends. Now everything was tied to food, to losing weight. If I gained an extra kilo, life stopped.

The first time everything was fine. I didn’t tell anyone that I was losing weight, I simply refused canteen pies and chocolates and stopped having lunch at the university, referring to the fact that I had a hearty breakfast at home. No one even suspected my plans.

First day of the diet

Morning. In front of me on the table is a small chocolate candy with nuts and a large cup of tea.

- Bon appetit! Mom turned away to hide her emotions.

I didn’t even notice how I ate this pathetic parody of the usual chocolate bar. My stomach growled.

“There are enough calories in this candy for the life of the body,” I consoled myself, but my stomach did not calm down, continued to loudly resent and demand the usual breakfast. The rally ended only after the second hot cup of green tea.

When I arrived at school, I felt a slight hunger, but I tried my best to convince myself that it was only my imagination.

Turn. A new batch of accustomed students already knew exactly where the most important place in the university - the dining room - was located and went straight there. In a small room, a healthy line of starving people has already formed. I went to the cafeteria only to buy water.

- Nastya, would you like one or two pies? - My skinny classmate says out of habit.

I break loose and buy this piece of fat. Why couldn't they refuse? Don't know.

- Alone, I had breakfast at home, I don’t really feel like it.

At that moment, I hated myself and reassured myself with the promise that such an outrage would happen for the last time in my life.

Classes ended, but my painful day continued. It dragged on for a mystically long time. Time played its games.

Then we still lived with my grandmother, who always cooked insanely tasty and satisfying. I ate whatever was prepared for me. The usual diet during my school years and the first days of my university studies was something like this: breakfast - two fried pancakes with cottage cheese or two large cheesecakes with raisins and jam, fried potatoes or a sausage and cheese sandwich. At twelve o'clock a specific snack is a small pizza or a pie. Lunch - the first: soup, a real Russian rich soup; second: without listing all the dishes on the menu, I will only mention that it started with a simple crushed chicken with fried chicken, ended with a meat casserole with cheese and basil, and a couple of glasses of packaged juice on top. And, of course, dessert: cakes, pastries, sweets or sweet pancakes. Dinner: fried potatoes with meat, manti, salted chicken or potato pancakes. I ate and did not think about the need to lose weight. I was not fat, at least no one ever told me that I had a weight problem. An ordinary girl, with supposedly attractive forms for guys. I moved a lot and did not gain weight at a rapid rate, and yet the weight gradually increased. I grew, respectively, and the weight had to increase. Weight yes, but fat no.

On that ill-fated first diet day, vegetable soup was waiting for me in the kitchen.

Previously, I couldn’t stand vegetables in any form, but here I had to eat a whole plate of cabbage, carrots, broccoli, onions, corn and potatoes, boiled in salted water.

You should have seen the expression on my face when I sat down at the table and pushed my plate of food. To make it not completely disgusting, I added a spoonful of sour cream and took a piece of black bread. Then my actions became completely inadequate. Holding my nose with two fingers of my left hand, I began to eat, not even chewing, but simply swallowing finely chopped vegetables.

“It feels like they put a piece of shit in your mouth,” the grandmother commented with a laugh.

I looked at her and moaned plaintively:

- I can't do it anymore.

“But it’s necessary, she was going to lose weight herself,” the grandmother answered without a drop of sympathy in her voice.

Having hardly finished my hated soup, I went to the room. The feeling of hunger came classically - after four hours. I started counting the minutes until my next meal. How I wanted to run into the kitchen, take a large plate, put pasta and chicken roll in it, drink it all down with juice and eat a piece of chocolate cake for dessert ... I hardly managed to turn my thoughts from the kitchen towards the abstract about the ancient Slavs assigned for tomorrow. The Slavs saved me from the danger of breaking loose.

Evening. Dinner.

My parents and grandma ate fried meat with potato casserole, while I made do with rice and fish in a light creamy gravy. It was difficult for me to suddenly abandon everything I was used to and begin to strictly follow the rules of the diet, so I decided that I would accustom myself to a new diet gradually. It was the best decision. So you need to do in any diet, gradually give up sweet, fatty or starchy foods, it’s easier psychologically, and the likelihood of breaking becomes minimal.

Why don't you eat what we do? Dad asked.

Because I want to lose some weight.

“But giving up fried food is not enough, you understand? Physical activity is required.

“Exactly, exactly,” said his mother. I'll show you some exercises.

- Thank you - I was extremely grateful to them for their support and help.

It was the first night I couldn't sleep. Despite the hearty menu, I was tormented by hunger, I thought about food, that I want to lose weight as soon as possible and start eating everything I want again.

When you lose weight, you just need to share with someone, speak to someone. You must feel supported. Knowing that you are not alone is one of the keys to diet success. Nothing without this.

The family helped me for the first four months, and then ... Then I became unbearable.

My parents began to get bored with my obsessive talk about calories, food eaten and weight loss. My friends turned their backs on me in the first month of my final dieting frenzy. They did not listen to me, they considered it complete nonsense.

Grandma was the last to give in. She stoically withstood all my conversations on this annoying topic, and now the time has come when she decided to say: “Stop! Enough!" Now she silently nodded her head, not keeping up the conversation.

Now I perfectly understand them all, because a person who does not seek to lose extra pounds, who is not interested in this, but on the contrary, considers the diet to be stupid, it is difficult to endure such conversations. Especially in the volume in which I presented it.

After a while, I didn't have anyone. Nobody. I was alone in this awesome world of thinness.

For two weeks now, I have been doing well and eating exclusively according to the rules of the diet. The weight began to decrease. The first kilogram of fat left my body! I was extremely happy, because then it seemed to me that it was a lot. I have the strength to go further, towards my cherished goal - to my 45.

Once after class at the university, I met a childhood friend. We had not seen each other for about six months, and I was eager to find out what was happening in her life and tell how I live now.

After walking around a nice little square not far from the university, we drove home. On the bus, while chatting about small things, I mentioned losing weight.

“And I hate diets, I eat whatever I want,” she said.

“I want to lose a little so as not to be so… fat,” I answered thoughtfully.

"You're pretty," she smiled.

- You think so!

- Nothing seems to me, you have not seen fat people, or what? They sleep and see to be as "full" as you - she tried to straighten my brains, but only a bad shrink came out of her.

- Are you kidding me? I am very far from normal body, although according to the formula - height and weight are almost normal.

“I won’t even talk to you about this anymore.

“As you wish.” I smiled because I knew she was wrong.

“By the way, would you like to visit me?” the girl asked.

- Why not, only I'll run home first. I'll leave my things, change clothes, and eat to you.

- Eat with me! – as something indignantly responded girl.

– I can’t, I have a special meal.

- Oh, yes, yes, yes.

When I got home, I immediately went to the kitchen.

From twelve o'clock I was tormented by hunger, and I wanted to eat as soon as possible.

– Where is the food? Without taking off my shoes, I asked my grandmother.

Everything is in the kitchen.

In three jumps, I was at the table, where fish and vegetable salad were waiting for me.

Quickly finished with dinner, I ran to my friend.

We sat on the couch, and once again I listened to a fascinating story about her new boyfriend, not like everyone else, the best and so on. In the middle of her story, she asked:

- Would you like some tea?

It's just tea. Tea, which is not limited to.

She took out cakes and some cookies with condensed milk.

- Are you kidding? I squeaked plaintively.

“Well, I’m sorry, not everyone here loses weight,” and with a smile she sent an appetizing cookie into her mouth.

It was my first major breakdown. I ate cakes and cookies, and in my head it was constantly spinning: “Well, I'm on a diet, well, damn it. Stop!”

- Nastya, forget it, live full life. Then you will lose weight! – added fuel to the fire girlfriend.

Stuffing our bellies with high-calorie sweets, we went for a walk, but my mood was completely ruined. I felt how the dropped kilogram returned to my body, how my face and legs swelled, and how disgusted I became from myself.

“Listen, I’ll go already, otherwise there’s a lot to do. At school, they bring down not like a child.

- Sorry, okay. See you later.

I waved to her and quickly ran home.

The parents had not returned yet, only the grandmother was at home.

- Why you so sad? she asked.

“I ate sweets,” I answered almost with tears and, with irritation, threw the jacket on the ottoman.

- Well, stop it. Found something to be upset about. It's not the end of the world. You held on for two weeks - you lost weight. You can relax once, - my grandmother reassured me.

“I will never lose weight at this rate,” I muttered in a sad voice and went to my room.

“Tonight I’ll make you a salad for dinner, and all your sweets will be compensated.

"Thank you," I smiled wryly.

After that, all my trips to friends stopped. Fear of breaking loose took precedence over communication. I didn't want to relive that terrible feeling - lack of will, vexation and self-contempt.

4. Physical education

Apparently, our body is not adapted to a quick change in diet. Despite the fact that I ate a fairly balanced diet, I was often tormented by slight dizziness and weakness.

So, one fine day, in physical education, reaching the second round in a large gym I felt like I was about to collapse from weakness. Her legs buckled, and her eyes dimmed. Another step - and I would have pecked my nose at the floor, but a classmate who ran up in time did not let me do this.

- Nastya? What are you? What happened to you? She was more scared than me.

“It’s all good now, my head is spinning.

- Out of the blue?

Probably because I have eaten less.

That's how the first batch of people found out about my diet.

- You are on a diet?

“Not really, I just limited my food intake,” I answered, sitting down on the bench.

- This is the diet.

- Well, yes, yes. I am on a diet.

After a couple of minutes of even breathing, I felt better. I was afraid of the situation.

- Why do you want to lose weight?

“What is the question anyway? Why should a person lose weight? Probably to look better!” I thought.

- Are you kidding me? - I didn't believe her.

- No. I think you are completely normal.

- It just seems this way to you.

“Okay, just be careful that this doesn’t happen again, okay?” She looked at me questioningly.

- Fine.

Then I was still worried about the state of my health, so the diet was left for a couple of days, and the amount of food, especially for breakfast, was increased.

You can’t live without it at all, you can not have dinner, not lunch, but breakfast is sacred. It is with him that the proper functioning of the digestive tract begins every day. It’s even a shame that without breakfast, for lunch or dinner, you eat more than you would like.

In those hours, I watched my parents become insanely happy because their daughter began to eat more than usual again. They were sure that he returned to me again common sense and I abandoned the stupid idea, but after 72 hours everything came back.

I could not lose my grip and lose the results achieved. Willpower was just beginning to emerge, and it was unacceptable to let it disappear.

Yet an incident at the gym shook the gray matter in my head, and the approach to breakfast was changed. Candy, which contains about 70 kilocalories, I preferred a banana. More satiety, enough energy until lunch, and no sugar. The new breakfast did its job, in a good way. I did not feel the need to eat until one in the afternoon, and besides, now all the food was correct and natural.

5. First month behind

Thirty-seven days - and two and a half kilograms are in the past. The number 46.5 flaunted on the mechanical scales in the corridor. It was a great happiness and a small victory in a very difficult task.

The first steps in the pursuit of 45 kilograms have been made.

I was in no hurry, I did not try to lose 8-10 kg in a month, as 90% of people who lose weight want. After all, at least a little, but you need to understand that it is impossible to get rid of 10 kilograms of fat accumulated over the years by sitting on apples for one week.

Unfortunately, in this case, mostly water leaves the body and only a minimal amount of “favorite” fat! And the most unpleasant thing is that after the completion of the mono-diet and jubilation - “Hurrah! I lost weight! And it took so little time, ”there comes a moment, in store for an insidious organism that could not stand bullying. The body becomes alert, and it is more difficult to deceive it - it begins to stock up, in case you decide to repeat the diet. One has only to return to the usual diet and allow yourself extra once, as the lost kilograms will immediately return, taking with them two or three fat friends.

The loss of two to two and a half kilograms per month is the optimal rate that does not harm the work of the esophagus and the body. Seriously speaking, the safe rate of weight loss in thirty days should not exceed 3% of the initial body weight. This is how you need to lose weight so as not to lose water instead of fat and muscle mass. Among other things, when proper weight loss eliminates the risk of acquiring loose skin on your body.

Unfortunately, I saw the result only on the scales, and the same plump girl was reflected in the mirror. It seemed to me that I should already look like my skinny classmates.

“Now is the time to change something and completely abandon potatoes and meat, for example,” I thought, looking at my reflection.

When I started the vegetable diet, I had a difficult relationship, but now I have become comfortable with their taste. I even fell in love with these wonderful products.

Only 1.5 kilograms remained before the implementation of my goal.

Remembering every day, every minute of my crazy weight loss, I find myself thinking that throughout this entire period I was not a member of any special groups, did not motivate myself with pictures of skinny girls and did not review the emaciated bodies of celebrities a hundred times over. Didn't ask "How can I lose weight?" girls in the nets, who, like hungry dogs, pounce on those who are just starting to fight for beautiful figure and asks for advice ... I just lost weight, for myself, not equaling the beauties who smiled from the monitor screen. Why? She probably understood that Photoshop played a significant role in a certain sense. I looked up only to the girls I saw with my own eyes: at the university, on the street, acquaintances. It really helped. What you see with your own eyes motivates much more than off-screen images.

End of the month - 46 kg.

- The goal is almost reached!

“One more leap and you can live in peace. You can eat chocolate and not worry about the figure. Everything will be as before, only I will become slim, ”these were the main thoughts that were in my head at the end of November.

In vain I thought so. I couldn't stop. My healthy diet is over. The first blow was dealt to adequacy in the terrible pursuit of ideal weight. I didn’t know how much I want to weigh, what number I want to see on the scales, the main thing is to lose weight, lose weight, lose weight!!! It was like a game. Very scary game...

Spring 2010 was marked by the practice unloading days on two apples, pineapple or three liters of water! I haven't read about it anywhere, it just popped into my head. I began to drink more and added an intense physical activity. Daily jogging, abs, leg exercises, hoop, squats, and of course swimming twice a week have become a must. After a couple of weeks, guilt began to awaken in me for the fact that I shook the press 40, and not 50 prescribed times, for running 2 kilometers, not 3.

6. One evening

Siberian cold is not the most wonderful thing that nature could create! For the second month on the street it was from -35 to -40 during the day. The poor residents of the city had to warm up as if they were going on an expedition to the North Pole. Some even managed to put on ski masks in order to protect their faces from the burning cold.

In those unfortunate frosts, I had to wrap myself in two warm sweaters and a down jacket, which turned me into a penguin. A scarf wrapped up to my nose, a hat that somehow made my head look bigger than it is, and, of course, thick woolen tights that gave my legs even more plumpness.

In this form, it became super disgusting for me to be in public. I tried to be at home as soon as possible, and not to stick out of the audience at school.

Gross feeling.

December was the month when I managed to get everyone with my weight loss. Everyone, except for K.K., is a girl who, until a certain point in my life, was a support, a “tear vest”, a warehouse of all (!) My secrets, the first person who hurried to help and never left in difficult times. For a while, she became more expensive than Yu, only because she was always there.

I told her about all the stages, results and failures of my weight loss. She didn't turn away from me. I had the opportunity to speak.

This girl was tall and thin, she never went on a diet and made no effort to maintain her slimness. Without a second thought at eleven at night, K. could eat something like a cake, with a decent pile of custard, and the next morning she also lost 200 grams!

That's cool - eat cakes and lose weight! An idiot's dream, honestly.

She's lucky with her genes. Very lucky. These small units of heredity play an unthinkable role in the life of any person, including in matters of figure. And not always because of her full mother or great-great-grandmother of her great-uncle, a girl can look like the modern cruel world of ideal bodies requires. Sometimes it pays to think about it.

I envied the girl with wild envy. Often I was simply torn to pieces from this vile feeling. At the sight of such K., it became interesting and incomprehensible to me at the same time why some, while absorbing an exorbitant amount of food, remain thin, and someone has to count calories, refuse their favorite food, mock their body - just to stay at least a little slim? Apparently, somewhere up there, while creating this wonderful world, someone forgot to take care of equality in the sphere of the figure. Watching my friend, I told myself: “Do you value all this food? Stop! Don't you want to be as thin as that?"

- Do you want some chips? she asked me as we walked around the city.

- No, I'm losing weight! Forgot what?

- Exactly. Well, how are you doing?

“No way, you can see for yourself.

- Do not be upset ahead of time, you can’t just take it and quickly lose weight. Soon you will walk and shake your bones.

- Normal girls shake their breasts, but I will be the bones? Great perspective! - I was laughed at by my own words, and a wild nervous neighing took possession of my body for ten minutes.

- Finished? K asked calmly, handing me a paper handkerchief to dry my tears of laughter.

- Yes all. Thank you, and I started laughing again.

Laughter, by the way, is effective way fight calories. In 10-15 minutes you can get rid of 50 kilocalories!

We lived with K. online. On the phone, in Skype, in ooVoo. I always knew she was there. It was really great. It seemed to me that I have a sister who does not leave anywhere, and here she is, sitting next to me. Although the girl was on the other side of the city.

Time passed imperceptibly quickly, the yellow leaves were replaced by the first white snow. Then fluffy snowdrifts appeared, and preparations began for an important winter holiday for all Russians - the New Year. Of course, K. and I were also affected by this, we talked on Skype and figured out what to do on a magical winter night.

We must celebrate together! she wrote.

- It is necessary, it is necessary. Do you have options?

– Only one… A friend invited me to celebrate with him and his friends.

- Cool! And what's the problem?

I don't want to celebrate without you!

- Well, I'm not offended. The guy calls you to celebrate New Year with him! Where is your head?

- On the spot. But it doesn't matter, I want to celebrate it with you! K did not hesitate.

- You don’t need to think about me in this situation, I’m not going anywhere. - I wanted her to be happy, especially since recently she had not the best relationship with the opposite sex.

- How is it not necessary? You are my friend and I want to celebrate with you!

“Okay, I understand you. What do you suggest?

- I told him that I want to invite you, and he does not mind if you come!

“Is it okay that I don’t even know him?” I don’t really want to celebrate the New Year with those who are completely unfamiliar to me.

– What about others?

“You’ll get to know each other there, most importantly, you’ll already know two people,” and a bunch of emoticons completed this message.

- Okay, I'll write tomorrow, but now it's time to sleep. Tomorrow at the university in the morning. Good night!

- Good night, Nastya!

I was already ready to go to bed, but, finally refreshing the page in VK, I saw a “friend request”.

- It is strange that he lives in Krasnoyarsk - the first thought that came to mind.

The guy was with a couple of tattoos on his shoulder, with semi-long blond hair and quite good taste in clothes.

"Hello. How are you?" he wrote then.

"Hey, nice, how about you?" - so, our acquaintance began with a banal phrase. And, as it turned out later, the goal of my weight loss completely changed from this phrase.

We corresponded until four in the morning, discussing everything possible and impossible. Even the hunger that had tormented me since the evening suddenly passed.

The next day dragged on painfully long, I wanted to go home, I wanted ... to eat. Returning to my own apartment, the first thing I did was turn on the laptop and, seeing “online” on his page, immediately wrote: “Hello!”

Our fine fellowship resumed vividly, and lunch, which consisted of vegetable soup and a green apple, was skipped. The hunger that haunted me during my studies waved my hand. It was replaced by a wonderful feeling.

7. Hatred

In parallel with the figure, the diet changed not only my appearance, but also my psyche, manner of speaking, thoughts and goals. The style of dress has also changed. I stopped making a lot of makeup and making my eyes black, and changed my wardrobe to more “girly” clothes. From now on, the kind and good Nastya has become incredibly nervous and angry. Every little thing annoyed me. If I didn’t like something, everyone around me suffered ... Changes turned into an uncontrollable process. I did not understand what was the matter, what was happening, because I had not noticed such disgusting behavior before.

On that day, as usual, I walked with K. It was unbearably cold outside, and we went into a cafe, where, for the first time in two months, I allowed myself to eat a fat pancake. It seemed to me damn tasty, although it was an ordinary pancake. Refusal of the usual food made me miss it, and I got an indescribable pleasure when I again managed to feel the divine taste of sweets. From that moment I decided that I would eat nasty, tasty, high-calorie foods only when there is no more strength left to endure and the stomach begs for the forbidden fruit from me.

Are you seriously going to eat it? - K. looked at me with such a surprised-dull look that it became funny to me.

- And what do you suggest? Give it to you, right?

- Are you losing weight?

- But I want a pancake! I squeaked. "And you know what I'm going to do?" Eat it! - With these words, I put a decent piece of fried dough into my mouth.

“Crazy,” she laughed, covering her mouth with her hand. This is her habit. She always does this when she laughs.

On the fifteenth of December, my first test week in my life began at the university. When I came to this educational institution, I was 100% sure that I would be expelled after the first session, so I was indescribably scared before the upcoming exams and tests. Excitement beat off any desire to eat.

While waiting for the second tape, we sat in the dining room. The smell of fried butter mixed with borscht hung in the air. This smell seemed disgusting to me, but the other students did not seem to feel the “aroma”. Trying to distract myself from the “table perfume”, I watched how fat girls wrapped pie after pie, with such ease, as if they were given not a piece of fat, but a leaf of lettuce. Their faces were of an incomprehensible shape, and their bellies shuddered at the slightest movement from the fluctuations of fat. My face twisted involuntarily, which made the classmate sitting next to me chuckle.

Stop looking at them like that!

- Well, don't they understand that they can't eat? Leaning forward, I whispered.

"They don't care, unlike some," she smiled.

- Terrible, do not say anything. I'm going to buy water.

I got up from my chair and went to the cafeteria.

Returning five minutes later, I began to tell the girl sitting next to me about a new acquaintance.

- Do not wind anything, please, - after listening to my quivering story, the girl concluded.

Too bad I didn't take her advice back then. What for? We ourselves know how best to act. Why listen to family and friends? They do not understand anything in our life. After all, only "I'm always right"!

If then my brain had been freed from emotional tension even for a second, everything could have been different ...

- I'm not winding up anything, we're just talking! I’ll say more, I don’t even like him, it’s just interesting to communicate with him, – I answered quite calmly.

“That's how it all starts.

- Nothing starts!

"Okay, but what's his name?"

“Mr. O.” I grinned.

– Mr O.?

“So it is,” with these words, I grabbed my bag and left the dining room, hurrying to the story.

In the evening we continued our long online chat again.

“Listen, do you have a “webcam”?” – he suddenly asked at the moment of the next conversation. - "No". “Sorry, it would be nice to talk.”

"CRAP! CRAP! CRAP! I don't want him to see me in such a voluminous body! Why are those fat cheeks still on my face?! What are rounded shoulders? Where are the protruding collarbones? You've been losing weight for a bloody long time! Where is the impressive result? And you're still eating pancakes! Well done, Nastya! Clever, simple! ”, - I hated myself.

Perfectly imagining that he communicates with much more attractive and thin girls, I could not understand how a guy even talks to this "something" on the other side of the screen. When I looked at my old photographs, I felt sick, I shuddered. I wanted to hit myself with a frying pan!

Summing up all the points, I didn’t really want to show myself to Mr. O. in my little room, but calmly continue virtual communication, but no, my other self pulled my tongue:

“I'm going to buy it next week,” I lied.

"Great!" - and a smiley face.

The webcam was bought the next day.

K. was jealous of me for him, and him for me. I reassured her, convincing her that our online meetings were just friendly communication and there was no need to invent anything.

During breaks, when Mr. O. went out to smoke, I had three minutes to work the press. For the entire web conversation, about 8-10 sets of 20 times were obtained.

Still, it’s a good thing to do in any free minute, and not just stupidly sit in front of the monitor and wait for the return of the interlocutor, who, apparently, liked to bring me to even greater disgust towards himself with his proposals.

"Do you want to meet tomorrow?" is a question that took me by surprise.

Of course, I was hoping that he would offer to transfer communication to real life, but assumed that this would happen when I look thinner.

“I think you can,” it was difficult to overpower yourself and answer this.

Before thinking about losing weight, I was not afraid to meet strangers, but after that everything changed. The obsessive desire to be thin inevitably affected my worldview ...

The next day, with trembling hands, I drove to the appointed place, without ceasing to curse my thick thighs and protruding belly, which I carefully tried to hide under a long black cardigan.

The guy was late, and numerous traffic jams justified his trick. I sat near the fountain in the huge hall of the mall and nervously tapped my knee with my fingers. A minute, another minute - and then the same person appeared on the horizon.

The first thought that came to my mind when I saw Mr. O.: “God! How skinny he is!" While still communicating on the web, I realized that the guy was a little dystrophic, but so much ... My arm was thicker than any of his legs! Horrible. I was so uncomfortable being around him, I felt like a hippopotamus. I wanted to get up and hide unnoticed, but it was too late - my person was noticed.

“Hi.” I smiled like a fool girl.

I didn’t know what to talk about with him, my thoughts scattered in different sides. I remember this day very vaguely, except that after we went home, he was waiting for some message from me, but I did not write, considering it intrusive. And, besides, I was one hundred percent sure that he did not need it. Every day he communicates with him, there are so many pretty girls that you can forget the little plump Nastya.

When I returned to my apartment, a surprise awaited me. He himself wrote. An idiotic smile spread across my face.

“He’s kind of strange,” I said to myself, still smiling, and went to dinner.

My diet in December was balanced. For breakfast: yogurt, porridge and dried fruits, for lunch: vegetable soup and boiled meat, again included in my diet due to lack of protein in the body, and for dinner: vegetable salad with rice or fish, green apple and dried pineapple.

I must say that I "got hooked" on dried fruits, they compensated for my lack of sweets. A little later, when I learned about their calorie content, I was shocked. 350-600 kilocalories per 100 grams is a mockery! However, they were not excluded from my diet. In small quantities, they are useful, like nuts, the calorie content of which is also quite high.

Since we first met Mr. O., our real contacts have become more frequent. I felt like I had a friend back in my life.

But one day something strange happened. I woke up and realized that it would not be the same as it was before, that everything had changed in a second, that there were no more friendly feelings. It was much bigger and stronger.

8. 34th size

Mr. O. was aware of my struggle with extra pounds and worried about me and my health.

I was perplexed: the people with whom I had known for at least three years simply did not give a damn about what was happening to me, and the person who appeared in my life just a month ago showed such care. Every day, the guy was interested in what I ate, what exercises I did and, most importantly, what results I achieved. I constantly got hit if I ate very little or refused to eat at all. He said that I was normal and no longer need to lose weight. Liar!

Of course, I wanted to believe him, but after monitoring the page of my dear friend, it became clear to me which girls he prefers. My dimensions were clearly far from his ideal.

Day after day left behind, and now on the screen mobile phone flaunted the twenty-sixth of December.

Mr. O. and I walked around the mall and talked about the upcoming holiday. This morning, I definitely decided that I would spend this day with him and a group of four people. I couldn't wait to make the guy happy.

“By the way, I have great news,” I said happily.

- In the New Year I will be with you, that is, with you! I made a reservation.

- Great! He tried to spin me around, but I quickly pulled away. My weight haunted me, and as soon as someone took the initiative to lift me, unpleasant goosebumps ran through my body, and this time I experienced a familiar sensation.

“Just promise me one thing,” he immediately asked and looked with his blue eyes into mine.

- What? I stared in surprise.

- You will eat!

I drove home in a great mood. I didn't care what the passengers thought of me - I smiled endlessly at my exciting thoughts about the recent meeting and the upcoming holiday. I wanted to dance.

Nature decided to take pity on the poor Siberians a little, and the temperature rose to -15 С°. Not missing a chance to take a walk, I got out much earlier than my stop. I walked home under white snow flakes.

My knowledge of weight loss grew and I already knew that 10,000 steps a day is a great way to burn extra fat so I tried to walk as much as possible. At the university, I no longer needed an elevator to get to the 7th floor, shortness of breath, which was still in mid-November, disappeared.

Twenty minutes later I was at home, where the smell of food. The stomach immediately showed signs of life, not succumbing to its provocations, I quickly rushed to my room.

By the end of December, I weighed exactly 44 kilograms. The 38th size of the jeans changed to the 34th, but when I put them on, I felt that they were sitting very tightly, pulling the sides. It pissed me off and made me happy at the same time.

This is the 34th size! What can be dissatisfaction?

9. The true motive for losing weight

New Year is a wonderful holiday in the circle dear people, with an indispensable heap positive emotions, laughter and, of course, mountains of gifts. But a terrible thing is the night from December 31st to January 1st. It becomes a real disaster for losing weight. I think that the human consciousness is turned off on this day and the next ten days, and a person, completely out of control, absorbs everything that he sees on the festive table and in the festive refrigerator, washing it down with plenty of stocked cases of alcohol.

That New Year was a difficult test for me.

On the 31st of December I was the last to arrive at Mr. O's house... A small company was already in full swing preparing for the coming night. There were only six of us, and provisions for fifteen people. Having got used to it a little, I noticed in one of the rooms electronic balance. An irresistible interest arose in me to find out the weight to the nearest gram. At home, I had to be content with ordinary mechanical scales. 44 kilograms 100 grams. I was quite satisfied with the result.

New Year's Eve went pretty well. We had fun, played some ridiculous games, took pictures, and ate, ate, ate. I ate faster than anyone, as if I was afraid that my plate of food would be taken away from me. I stuffed everything indiscriminately into myself: sushi, salads, chicken, potatoes, fruits, sweets, ice cream.

Mr. O., accustomed to the fact that I actually do not eat anything and avoid high-calorie foods in every possible way, looked at me with surprised eyes and smiled maliciously. My roof was completely blown off, and my desires broke free - I was covered with a wave of gluttony.

My stomach naturally bulged, my stomach begged me to stop, but I continued to sneer, like a villain mocking an innocent creature.

The last spoonful of my favorite pistachio ice cream was given with overwhelming difficulty, and finally, thank heavens, I stopped.

At four in the morning, some demon pulled me to go weigh myself. 47. But I was not offended, I understood that it was only 3 kilograms of food and various drinks. It was necessary to manage: "only" gobble up 3 kilograms!

After a crazy New Year's feast, I did not want to eat for three days. My parents thought that I was doing it on purpose, but I really felt bad looking at all the goodies cooked.

- I can do without food, why not use it? I thought.

My head was visited by thoughts of hunger strikes and a rigid diet. I figured that two days a week I could easily get by with water and green tea.

From the seventh of January, it was firmly decided to bring the ideas to life, but the second grandmother, my mother's mother, who came to visit, pushed my plans forward. Daily dinners at nine o'clock in the evening, luring me out of the room, like cheese from a mink, made themselves felt. Eating another portion of mashed potatoes with mushroom sauce at half past ten in the evening, I somehow didn’t think about the consequences, and after eating the main course with dessert in the form of a cupcake, I didn’t worry at all about the future of my ass and stomach. Weight jumped to 49, three formed on the stomach fat folds and the face is rounded. Three months were wasted. In just thirty days, everything returned to its place.

Notes

extreme technique weight loss for a week. Weight loss is achieved through a low-calorie daily diet, which includes mainly sugar-free juices and water, as well as apples, cottage cheese and boiled meat.

"I once had a chance to lose weight up to 38 kilograms ... I want to tell a story about that period of my life when diets, calories and the fear of eating an extra piece ruled it."

The book is based on blog entries about how the pursuit of terrifying thinness ended.

Anastasia Kovrigina - 38 kg. Living in 0 Calorie Mode 1

1. First thoughts 1

2. That hateful soup 2

3. Stall 3

4. Physical education 3

5. First month behind 4

6. One evening 4

7. Hatred 5

8. 34th size 6

9. The true motive for losing weight 6

10. All over again 6

11. Next stage 7

13. Goal achieved 8

14. Joy 8

15. Fear 9

16. Buchenwald strong man 9

17. Psychologist 10

18. Terrible Sugar 10

19.XXS 11

20. Sanatorium 11

21. +2 12

22. My birthday is 13

23. Beginning of the end 13

24. We're going to grandma's 14

25. Krasnoyarsk - Khabarovsk - Vladivostok 15

26. First morning 16

27. I hope we meet again 16

28. Return 17

30. Crash 18

31. Nutritionist? Psychologist? 18

32. Better shoot yourself 19

33. A 20

34. "We met" 20

35. Diet. Breakdown. Diet 21

Afterword 22

Note 22

Diet ABC 22

Chocolate Diet 22

Drinking diet 22

Diet "deuce" 22

Protein diet 22

apple diet 22

Recipes 23

Anastasia Kovrigina
38 kg. Living on 0 Calorie Mode

Based on real events

I clearly remember that day: I stepped on the scales, and two beautiful numbers 3 and 8 appeared in front of me.

38 kilograms.

Now, as I close my eyes and immerse myself in memories, I imagine my recent life as a train rushing at breakneck speed. The train rushes on without stopping, leaving behind the meaningless days of my life, leaving no opportunity to see and appreciate the expanses of the happy window world, leaving no chance to see the good workers of these happy fields. I am destined to be in a closed space, surrounded by crushing partitions of a small compartment and in the company of silent permanent fellow travelers - Diet, Thinness and Calories, who never remove their masks of indifference. There is no way I can get out of here, and the fear of getting fat will endlessly fetter me, blocking the path to the exit to an ordinary and beautiful life. Gradually, I understand: it is possible that my train is moving into the abyss, and I begin to look around, hoping to find the stopcock handle ...

1. First thoughts

"Great! That's exactly what I dreamed about the whole last school year, so that there were more women," dissatisfied thoughts raced through my head.

With an evaluative glance, I studied each newly minted student. There was nothing unusual about them: simple, nice guys and girls. And only eight girls stood out against the general background - thin, slender legs, perfectly chiseled waist, protruding collarbones, slightly protruding cheekbones. They were so fragile and delicate that I wanted to hide somewhere far away so as not to accidentally be near one of them.

I couldn’t give myself adequate answers, because I had never even thought about diet, weight loss and calories before. Such a burning topic, which drove hundreds of thousands of girls crazy and a slightly smaller number of men, was far from me. In addition, I did not even imagine how to do it correctly, and most importantly - I did not have such a need and desire! Therefore, looking at myself one more time in the mirror, I calmed down with the thoughts that I was not destined to be thin and that I needed to love myself for who I am (after all, I am not the only one, and millions of people are far from the standards of an ideal body). Positively tuned in, I confidently walked into the kitchen, put fried potatoes, took a piece of bread with melted cheese, filled a glass with orange juice and, placing all these dishes on a tray, went to watch TV and enjoy a hearty lunch at the same time. I was happy.